B-I-N-G-O …

Dating and dogs.  It’s bad enough we have to compete with kids, careers, exes, and all the other people you are dating … but the dog, too?!?!?!

I am not a dog person. I really don’t like them. At work we often talk about online dating and tinder and when you should swipe right and when left … and I say if your first photo is with a dog, you’re out. (If there is a photo in which I can see a table cloth, you’re also out because I’ve come to the conclusion you live with mom…..or grandma.)  If your first photo isn’t with the pooch, but then you have 2 others with a smelly beast, you’re out.

Here’s the big problem: the dog means zero flexibility. Mr. Wonderful has to get home to let the dog out, can’t spend the night at your place because of the dog, needs you to come to his house because of the dog … it’s a vicious cycle of biscuits and bad breath.

Once upon a time I went out with a man who named his dog Giselle. Giselle?!?!? You name your dog after a supermodel and then expect me, all 5’1″ of me, not to have a complex?!?! Giselle was a rhodesian ridgeback and I’m pretty sure her legs were longer than mine. The first night I spent at his house Giselle stalked me all night, pacing my side of the bed, while he slept soundly to my right. Giselle was not happy I was there. Fast forward to another date and he said he’d be in the shower when I got there and just let myself in the back door. Ummmm….. what about Giselle the Supermodel Dog?!?!? What if she jumps on me? She won’t do that, he said. She did that…

The house smells, there is fur everywhere, and if I have to compete with Rover for shotgun I’m not going to like it.

When I was 5 we lived with my uncle. My mother was a single mom with two little girls and Uncle Gordy let us stay with him to help her out. He had three dogs ….. Mickey, Schultz, and Michael. (I think…..it’s been a while.) Schultz was a german shepherd and by far my favorite. One summer day, my sister and I were outside in the yard playing with the hose. The dogs were chasing after it, biting the water and having a grand ol’ time. My sister, being older than I, decided to see what would happen if she put the hose over by my foot. It wasn’t pretty … Schultz bit me, I cried, and the mean babysitter banished my sister Stephanie to her room. I have never liked dogs since.

I honestly try not to date guys with dogs. (I seem to be getting worse at that these days, though.) It’s like women and cats …. and the crazy cat thing…only worse. You can leave the cat unattended for a day or two with food. Bingo, not so much.

Back to Giselle … her dad and I didn’t work out. But, I consider him a very good friend and the night before my first day back at WTNH the three of us had a slumber party to celebrate my return and make me feel not so alone. We drank wine, then coffee, and I broke out the lint roller as part of my walk of shame.  When it comes to K-9’s, Giselle is one of the few I have come to love and appreciate. I haven’t seen her since that day and hope the dog years are treating her well. To this day I am jealous of her shapely legs and master’s devotion. (If he sends me a random how are you text it usually says something like this: “Giselle says hi.”)

Tonight I attempted spontaneity, a hard thing to come by when dating as a grown-up, and the dog got in the way. I’m not going to let it get me down … I said I saw it as a blog opportunity and so I seized it.

Dear boys … if you suddenly find yourself single and without a wife, do not immediately run out and get a dog. They don’t do dishes, don’t dust, and while they might be able to clean a toilet they generally don’t look good in an evening gown. (Or out of one, for that matter, Giselle being the exception.) They will inhibit your social life.

People often ask my kids if we have pets. Here is Cassie’s response …

“No, we don’t have animals cause mommy has kids instead. She’s just trying to remember to feed us …”

I guess the plus side to all of this is dogs eat sneakers …

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